Depression wrote this post.

I forgot to refill my anti-depressant and went without a pill for three days. By day three (the day I’m writing this, not necessarily the day I post this) I had a strange feeling in my brain. I felt floaty and whirly and a lot of other adjectives that made me feel drunk. I was also sad. Very, very sad. Okay, depressed. My job was going great. For the first time, I woke up looking forward to going to work. I felt confident and capable when I was at the university.

I went camping with a couple of friends, which ended up not really being camping but we still filled the days with lots of fun. I hiked to the top of Mt. Rose. I hiked 10.6 miles, and I felt fantastic. The first mile or two was tough, but after that it got so much easier. I was up in the mountains, feeling stronger than I’d ever felt before. I reached 11,000+ feet and felt as if I had accomplished a herculean task. I got back to the starting point (8,000+ feet), and even the ache in my calves didn’t stop me from feeling pride in what I’d done.

I ended my vacation with a 10 hour trip to the Bay Area and back to pick up T from his grandfather’s house. I slept for 3 hours, and then had an 11 hour day at work. It wasn’t the working that caused me to fall into the pit.

I hadn’t seen the Boyfriend in several days. I thought we had a dinner planned, but he ended up at his friend’s house. I felt abandoned, even if it really was just a misunderstanding. Then I didn’t hear from him and I assumed he had tired of me. I assumed he had realized I was an angerball that overreacted to the smallest thing. I assumed he had realized what my ex-husband had. I just wasn’t worth the effort.

I knew what was happening. I knew I was falling into the pit. But I didn’t do anything to counteract it. I just let myself fall. I put off refilling my prescription, because my preferred pharmacy is just too damn far and out of the way.

I got off early the Friday after the 11-hour workday and went to refill my prescription. As they filled the pill bottle, I filled a basket with things I didn’t necessarily need. I bought myself two shirts, a pair of pants, two pairs of earrings, a new razor, and a headband. I bought my son a new Lego set and a movie. I got home and went on Ebay and bid on too many auctions for more jewelry and clothes and a couple of toys I thought my son would enjoy. It’s not mania. It wasn’t a manic episode. I was just trying to make myself feel better.

I’m still sitting here, staring at my computer with my son nearby playing with puzzles I didn’t even know he had, and my brain still feels floaty and whirly. But now it is compounded by the four beers I’ve had and the nagging feeling that I am letting happiness slip away.

There is no internet to use to post this, so I’ll let it sit for a day or two or five. There’s a voice in the back of my head that is telling me things will be looking up by the time I can post this. There’s a part of me that still believes I’ll conquer this malady, the same as I always have. There’s a part of me that still has hope for myself.

So I guess at least I’ve got that going for me.

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1 comment on “Depression wrote this post.”

  1. Lizz

    Oh, sweetie. I could have written this post a thousand times over. A million.
    And I feel so much for you that I won’t even give you a hard time for being in the neighborhood and not calling!
    Love you, and take care of you! You’re worth it! XOXO

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