I like to think I am not a flaky person. I tell myself that I am reliable, dependable, that I’ll always be there when you need me.
In the last few months, I’ve discovered that it might not be as true as it one was (or, was it ever?). I have cancelled plans on multiple occasions, perhaps causing you to think I am not the friend you need, or the one you deserve.
And it’s not just cancelling plans. I have also been seriously lacking in the making of the plans. I am always telling you “we should hang out more” or “let’s go to dinner one night soon” or “I’d love to have your kids over soon.” I’m not lying. I do want these things to happen. Even having your kids over. While I’m not a big fan of having multiple children over at once, I do so enjoy seeing T play with his friends. It makes him so happy – how could I not want to make that smile appear?
The problem is that I am at a point in my life where time passes without me even realizing it. My weekdays are all pretty much the same – work, work, work. And then, suddenly, it is the weekend and I find myself too utterly exhausted to do anything but sit on the couch and read while T plays in his room, watches movies, or draws at the coffeetable nearby.
On occasion, I do have plans. They are usually set forth by one of you, and they always make a too-short weekend seem even shorter.
I want to make more plans. I want to have the energy to carry them out. I want to have time to see my local friends all the time, and my further-away friends more than every million years.
But I have confined myself to a life that doesn’t leave time for friends and visiting and play dates. It’s a result of my own choices – I’m not complaining (at least not this time). I’m merely stating a fact of life as an 8-5 Monday through Friday work outside the home parent.
You will sit there and tell me you know where I’m coming from. You’ll empathize or sympathize. Or, you’ll blame some of it on my depression. That filthy liar is the reason I feel inadequate as your friend when, really, you probably don’t hate me at all for cancelling on you. This is all true. So many of us are struggling to maintain friendships when there isn’t enough time in the day just for the “every day” tasks of parenting and keeping the house from becoming disgusting.
So, since I know you won’t accept an apology in this situation, I will offer you something else. A promise. A promise to cancel less plans, schedule more play dates (with and without the kids), and to simply be there for you, as you have all been there for me. Through it all.
(Now let’s just hope this is a promise I can keep.)
Lots of Love,