Evolution, as told to a 5 year old

Mama? Who made us?

I made you. With the help of your dad.

Who made you?

My mom and dad.

Who made all the people?

Nobody made us. We evolved from monkeys. Well, apes. Which are like monkeys. They evolved into Neanderthals, which are like cavemen. And then the Neanderthals became regular people. We’re called homosapiens.

I can’t say that word.

Try it. Ho-mo-sa-pi-en.


Close enough. We can always practice.

What are cavemen?

Early humans that lived in caves and didn’t have all the stuff we have today. No buildings or cars, roadways or computers. They lived off the land, killing animals for food. There were no grocery stores.

Do the cavemen kill kids?

No, baby. They only killed animals that they could eat. Like deer and…buffalo? You don’t have to be scared of cavemen. Cavemen were just like us – only less evolved. They don’t exist anymore.

Wait. We used to be monkeys?

Well, not us. You were never a monkey. Not really. But billions – or millions – I really don’t know – of years ago there were no humans. But there were monkeys. And all types of other animals. The apes started to evolve over a really, really long time. Their backs became more erect – which means straight – and they eventually became Neanderthals.

What are Neanderthals?



And this is when I start to think that believing in a god might be a little easier to explain. Who made us? God did. Now be really, really good or he won’t give you any presents for baby-Jesus’s birthday and you’ll have to spend the rest of forever watching the Kardashians with Satan..


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7 comments on “Evolution, as told to a 5 year old”

  1. Angie @smallerstuff

    Oh, that’s just it, isn’t it!?!? And it’s exactly why, probably but also probably not entirely, that I had a hankering not too long ago to return to a church. My daughter is almost 2, and I have visions of her at school informing all the Christian Conservatives in our neck of the woods that their belief system is a myth.

  2. Pingback: Please don’t force* your beliefs onto my child. | Unintentionally Brilliant

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