Plenty of Fish, yo

It doesn’t really feel like it, but I’ve been divorced for way over a year now. I know people who were divorced less time than that before they started dating again (coughMOMcough) (no, really no problem, just teasing).

I’ve talked about it with friends, and I’m not sure I’m really, emotionally, for another serious relationship. Don’t get me wrong. I’m over my ex-husband. He’s becoming a good friend, but I’m not madly in unrequited love with him or anything.

So anyway. I’ve heard a lot of people have success with this online dating stuff. I’ve always thought it was kind of weird and creepy. But it turns out my boss met his wife on eHarmony. My cousin met his wife on…I think eHarmony. A few of my friends have met people on Match and eHarmony and PlentyofFish.

So I figure, even if I’m not ready for something serious, at least I can get out in the dating world. I can meet people. And why not the internet? It’s where I’ve met some very good friends (like Yuliya, Jessica, Ali, and Russell, for example).

First step: Picking an online dating site. I didn’t really want to go all crazy and set up profiles all over the internet. I wanted to start small. Simple. I looked at the top 3 that I had heard about from people, not commercials. I thought, I really liked that Finding Nemo movie. Let’s go with PlentyofFish (I may or may not be kidding about this reasoning). It’s also free. Completely. I’m cheap. And nothing is cheaper than free.

Next step: Signing up. This was probably the most fun part so far (I mean, I haven’t been on a date yet. Hopefully at least one of the dates will be more fun than signing up for online dating). If you follow me on Twitter, you might have seen your timeline suddenly become crowded with tweets from me. In case you haven’t signed up for online dating before, this is what your questionnaire looks like (I’m assuming the other sites are kind of similar):

I got to the “Do You Own A Car” part and kind of laughed to myself. And then I tweeted it. Here is probably the BEST RESPONSE EVER:

So, since the screenshot didn’t get the entire novel-length First Date description, of course I’m going to share it with you. But first, what the hell man? It doesn’t even specify if they mean “what would you do on a first date?” or “what did you do on your first date ever?” because the second one would come up with a much better response. At least from me.

My First Date Response:

Sitting awkwardly side by side in a dark movie theater while watching some terrible movie. Preferably one starring a Wayans brother dressed as Paris Hilton or a munchkin. There will be no talk during the movie. In fact, don’t even touch me. I’m watching a movie and do not like to be disturbed. You know what? Let’s just bypass the whole theater experience because I hate being around a bunch of people. They usually end up pissing me off by talking on their phones or talking to their friends or sneezing too loudly. (By the way? I am a loud sneezer. Like, really loud.)

So let’s just go to lunch or something. Somewhere I can just wear jeans and a shirt that’s kind of cute but doesn’t reveal too much of anything because I’m self conscious, just like every other girl on the planet. Or woman. Sometimes I forget how old I’m getting. Not that I’m old. Just, you know, I’m probably not considered a girl to most people anymore. And I’m not wearing heels on the date either. Unless I’m wearing this really cute pair of shoes I found at the store a while ago. They don’t hurt my feet, so it’s okay if I wear those. Otherwise, I’ll probably be wearing sandals or my converse. What? I like being comfortable.

Right. So we’re eating lunch. And dressed pretty casual. You’re probably going to talk about yourself a lot, and that’s okay. I’m really quiet in the beginning. You don’t believe me, but this is in the internet. It’s much easier to edit myself when typing out a description than it is when we are meeting IRL. (Dude, that means ‘in real life’. If you don’t know that, why are you doing online dating?) I might even roll my eyes at you or make comments that make you think I’m a freaking crazy person. I mean, I am a crazy person but not *that* kind of crazy, you know?

Truth is, I have no idea what we’re going to do on a date. First or otherwise. Just don’t ask me to do something stupid like go for a long walk on a beach or meet your parents. Because that sh*tis *really* crazy.

And don’t be stupid. I freaking hate stupid people.

 I’ve haven’t gotten as many messages mentioning my awesome First Date as I thought I would. Maybe these people just have no sense of humor. Oh well.

Next step: Upload a picture. Of me. For these people to see. And judge. Fuck.

The only recent pictures I had of myself included the avi I use often that makes my nose look ginormous, and one of me with T’s underwear on my head. So I took another. Or a few. Or a million. These were the top three choices:

Oh for goodness sake, of course I ended up going with the first one. I did lighten it up a  little bit, and then the site made me crop it so you can’t see all my chins or the very tip of my head. But whatever. Probably would have been way more fun to post that middle one, huh? There’s still a chance. You can upload more than one photo.

Final step: Well, that’s really it. Just sit back and watch the messages from boys roll in. A friend told me that you get the most exposure right after you sign up. So I had barely clicked the Submit button, when I got a message! And then I filled my Twitter timeline once again, sharing my experience. Ready?

  • My first message included way too many emoticons and ellipses. And he gave me his number right off the bat. Can you smell the desperation?
  • I clicked “My Matches” and the top five all look like Jersey Shore Douchebags. I’ll just go back to the inbox.
  • This guy’s profile says he’s the same age as me. His description says he was born 2 years after me. Problem? He also likes all types of “moives.” IT’S CALLED SPELL CHECK YOU LAZY ASS. See the red squiggly line? That means you spelled it wrong.
  • Oh, this guy likes blowing things up & poking dead things with sticks. It’s love at first profile glance, y’all.
  • Every message subject says “Hi.” So unoriginal. I just sent a guy one where the subject was “Subjects are Evil”, and another one said “I may have just farted.”
  • This guy is a “hopless” romantic. And wants to go snorkeling on a first date. Really? I’ve seen Open Water. That shit is not first date material. (Okay fine. Those people were scuba diving. Whatever. That movie sucked balls anyway.)
  • Totally messaged the guy who had his kid in the profile picture. Kid was cute! The guy may have been pretty good looking too.
  • Pretty much every single profile says he is either a “normal” or “regular” guy. I’m not even sure what this means! Russell says it means he sits around his house in his underwear playing video games. I sit around in the house in my underwear. I do not play video games. I guess I’m not a regular guy. (I’m still convinced “normal” or “regular” is what a serial killer would put in his profile. “I’m totally not a serial killer.”)
  • So, I message this guy and reference his profile. It just says he’s a “supervisor” so I ask him, “What kind of Supervisor are you?” His message back? “what?” So I explain my question. He answers back with “at work yeah”. What-The-Fuck? Delete.
  • Let’s check “My Matches” again. ZOMG DIRK DIGGLER IS MATCHED WITH ME! Although this guy looks nothing like Mark Wahlberg. I would totally send a message to Mark Wahlberg.
  • New rule. You cannot list your job as an entrepreneur if you can’t spell it. Or at least look up how to spell it.

So I’m chatting, through messages, with about 5 guys now. Some of them don’t seem to notice when I’m making fun of them. About 2 are kind of getting my sense of humor. I’ve only gotten one insult. Apparently I should be worshiping the ground this guy walks on because he sent me a message that said “wow pretty”. I sent him back one that said “wow original”. So what does he say?

“compared to most of the women on here u should take any compliment someone of ur looks can get”

Really asshat? REALLY? I’m really sorry I didn’t post a picture of me flashing my boobs to the camera, or inserting a phallic banana into my mouth. Whatever. Delete.

One of these guys I’m totally not interested in, but he keeps sending me more messages and I feel bad ignoring him. I’m not even sure I’d be willing to meet any of these guys in person yet, either. That part really creeps me out. I mean, I’ve seen plenty of Lifetime movies. I know what happens. I’m hip to the game.

As I’m writing this, more fun is happening over on the website. If you are single and looking for a laugh, totally sign up for a PlentyofFish profile. Then I can show you first hand how almost every single profile says one (often more) of the following:

  • Just a regular/normal guy looking to have fun.
  • I live life to the fullest.
  • I like to stay fit/work out.
  • I enjoy the outdoors.
  • I love to travel

And not one person has anything interesting or original to say in their First Date description. Not one! Some of them try (yeah, let’s go snorkeling!). Most of them don’t. They want to go for coffee (not everyone likes the stuff), lunch, a walk on the beach, or “depends on the girl.” I mean, really?

My advice if you’re looking to date online? Have some fucking fun with this shit. Don’t take it too seriously, and learn to laugh. Do you really think you’re going to meet that “someone special” by sounding like everyone else? Stand out from the crowd. Sure, I’m not getting a millionty responses, but at least I’m probably having way more fun than any of the other girls logging on.

**Stay Tuned. I am coming up with even more fantastic ideas for blogs about online dating. This may become a series. Not an obsession. I promise.**

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