Note: I wrote this a few days ago when I first saw the prompt. Typically I would read it again to edit or whatever but I am really not in the mood. There is personal shit going down that maybe I’ll talk about later. Trying to decide what I’m really using this blog for. Please don’t give up on me. I’ll still continue the writing prompts. And I’ll keep reading the blogs I follow. So, here it is. My piece on jealousy.
I’m jealous of you.
I bet you didn’t even know it.
You probably think there’s nothing for me to be jealous of, but I’m 99.99% positive I could come up with something.
I’m jealous a lot.
It’s pretty ridiculous.
I might be jealous of the clothes you wear, the job you have, the way your child is behaving at a particular moment in time, the house you live in, the family you are surrounded by, the way you seem to have your time managed so neatly, the way your legs look in that skirt, your hairstyle, the fact that you got to plan on getting pregnant, the way you write, the way you smile, your spouse/boyfriend/girlfriend/significant other/turkey, your wedding, your bank account balance, your grades from high school/college/graduate school, the fact that you went to graduate school, your major in college…
Like I said, I’m jealous a lot.
It’s been this way for far too long.
Sometimes I find myself wishing I were stupid so I wouldn’t know what I’m missing out on.
Which is pretty self-deprecating, huh?
I get down on myself a lot.
But you know what I found out?
There are millions of other people out there who feel the same way I do.
There are millions of us milling around, spending too much time and energy being jealous of what other people have (or don’t have).
It’s pretty ridiculous.
Why is it so hard to be content with what we have?
And if there’s something we want so hard? Why is it so hard to go for it?
What is getting in our way?
What is getting in my way?
I spend too much time feeling sorry for myself, comparing my life to my perception of the lives of the people around me.
Because that thing I’m jealous about? I could probably have it (or my version of it), if I just took more control of my life. I believe it. I believe you can have whatever you want, as long as you are willing to put in the effort.
I believe it, I just don’t subscribe to it.
But the most difficult part of it all? I’m an instant gratification kind of girl. When I make a decision about my life, I want it to happen now.
I want to start law school. But it’s going to be a year and half before that can even become a reality. There’s the LSAT in October. Applications by January (or March, depending on the school). Then the semester doesn’t even start until next fall. As in 2012. And then there’s another three years before I graduate. That’s at least 4 1/2 years before I can even hope to see some real change in my life.
So I hold on. I keep working this crappy pay job with the dreams of what
might will happen in the future.
I’m working on the jealousy though. I have been for a long time. And I’ve gotten pretty good at realizing that my jealousy is based on my perceptions of your life. My perceptions of the lives of others, and of myself, are very distorted. And I am aware of this. And I think being aware of it will help me take the necessary steps back. Just because a life looks pretty in pictures doesn’t mean it’s necessarily perfect. Or even what might be right for me.
This week’s Red Writing Hood prompt from The Red Dress Club was “We’ll leave it open: you can write about something or someone you envy, or a time when your jealousy got you in trouble, or maybe how it makes you feel to be envious. Whatever you want. And it can be fiction or non-fiction. Word limit is 600.”
I swear everything I write these days just goes back to law school. Because, like I said, I’m an instant gratification kind of girl. If I could, I would start law school tomorrow.