Making it up as I go.

Being divorced sucks.

Just saying.

But it also makes me wonder about how married couples parent.

Because lately I’ve been feeling like the only one doing any real parenting.

I have written some posts about conversations I’ve had with the kiddo. The two of us have talked about death and what comes next. We have talked about growing babies in our bellies, him going to college, boyfriends and girlfriends, and how I used to be married to his dad. We talk a lot.

The kiddo and his dad? I’ve never heard anything of the sort. I’m not even sure what kind of conversations they have when it’s just the two of them hanging out, but I can be fairly certain it’s nothing like our conversations.

Don’t get me wrong. We don’t sit around philosophizing all day long. We play superheros, we bake cookies, we read together, we watch movies, he jumps on the bed while I take a shower because I haven’t showered in three days and already know I won’t be able to get myself out of bed in the morning to shower before work.

(Ew.)

Anyway.

So, um, how does this stuff happen when the parents are still together?

Is this kind of “explaining life etc” stuff usually left to the mom to take care of? Does it usually fall to just one of the parents to have to have possibly-difficult conversations with a child she previously thought was too young for such seriousity? (Yes, I made that word up. Deal with it.)

I guess I’m just frustrated.

I love the conversations I have with the kiddo. I truly do. It’s just…sometimes it would be nice to have someone else to help with the difficult stuff.

Like when we’re sitting at home and he’s all dressed up as Thor and I’m crawling around the floor like a dinosaur. And then, suddenly, “Mom? I don’t want you to die. When you die, you will get to be a baby again. After I die, will you be my mom again?”

It’s fucking difficult not to cry.

Because there is just no knowing. And how do you tell that to a four-year-old without sounding like everything is unicorns and rainbows and everyone lives for a really, really, really, really, really long time?

And it would just be really nice to have a partner there to help reassure him that we are healthy and strong people, who will most likely live to be pretty old.

I don’t remember these kinds of talks with my own parents (although dad worked so much it was probably just mom). But I have a feeling they would have gone a lot differently. After we die, we go live with Jesus in heaven where there are angels and rainbows and everyone eats ice cream every day and we will all meet up again. Or whatever.

Blarg.

This was just supposed to be about how it would be nice to have a partner in parenting.

Because the kiddo’s dad’s apparently lacks in this department. I feel like I’m on my own here.

And don’t give me that crap about how he has no experience with children and wouldn’t know how to handle these questions.

Because first-time parents pretty much never have this type of experience.

I don’t have any more experience in these questions than he does.

I’m just making this all up as I go along. Just like I’m sure lots of parents are.

This picture makes him look much older…weird…
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