Every Friday (you know, if I remember), I’ll post my answer to one of the 50 questions.
2. Which is worse, failing or never trying?
Yeah, I’m sure you noticed I deleted my first answer.
The truth is, I am monotonous. I never try at anything. The few things I do try, I end up failing at so my automatic response is now what’s the point? It’s easy to stand back and watch others live their lives as I always dreamed I would live my own. And I’ve been taking the easy road for a long time. I have never tried to actually become published. I have never tried to travel the world. I didn’t even try as hard as I should have to make my marriage work (that’s right, you can’t blame one person for a marriage failing). I haven’t tried to improve my career life. Sure, I left the job from hell but it’s not like I moved into something I could actually see myself doing for the next 30 or so years. I just take whatever easy administrative job comes my way. I even took the easy route in getting a college degree. I am totally and completely LAZY.
But what would have happened if I had actually tried harder in my life? If I had studied as much as people thought I did and got better grades in high school? If I had gotten a useful degree towards an actual career and studied my ass off? If I had tried a little harder to make the marriage work…or taken the risk in the first place to just not marry the first guy who knocks me up? What will happen the first time I send something for publication?
Would I still be feeling, at 27, as if I have just fallen on my ass over and over again, and there is nowhere else to go?
I want to (have to?) believe that it is worse to never try. Because I have been there. I have seen how terrible it is when you don’t try. I have to make myself believe that failure can be easier to accept if you have the satisfaction of knowing that at least you gave it a shot.
Otherwise, I’ll never get out of this rut and will feel miserable and unfulfilled for the rest of my life.
Join the conversation! Which do you think is worse?
On a side note, I’m not sure I like this 50 Questions thing. I have answered the first two questions, and I don’t see how this is going to free my mind. All it’s doing is making me feel more like crap about my life and my choices.