Please Leave a Message After the Tone…

So, I am completely lame at leaving voicemails. In fact, this dates back to the before-cellphone days when people had answering machines. I have always been pretty inept when it comes to the leaving of a message.

I always start off pretty normal, Hey Fill-in-the-Blank; it’s Roxanne.

And this is the part where a part of me is screaming: Leave it at that! Leave your phone number and hang the F up!

But, of course, I don’t. Instead, I believe I should let the recipient of the message know why I am calling. Besides, doesn’t everyone say, “Leave your name, number and a short message”? Don’t they!?!?

But I never listen to myself. Or the recipient. Because, apparently, I have no idea what a short message is.

I was just calling to say hi because we haven’t talked in a while. I know we’ve just both been really busy with our lives and families and such. I mean, the kiddo just started at a new day care this week and I think he’s really going to like it. Although not as much as his old day care, because that was really such a great place. Remember that one time that I couldn’t find anyone to watch the kiddo and asked you, and you really wanted to do it but couldn’t because you had to work? Not that that’s why I’m calling. I don’t need you to watch the kiddo. Unless you want to, because I know you haven’t seen him in a while and he probably misses you. Just the other day, he was asking when he would get to see you again, and I just told him ‘soon’ because that always seems to satisfy him. So, you know, maybe we should get together soon. We haven’t really talked in a while, but we should really grab coffee one of these days to catch up. I mean, not that I drink coffee or anything. I still don’t. But they usually have teas or hot chocolate or I could just grab a soda. Or, you know what? Maybe we could just do lunch instead. I usually don’t take a lunch break at work, but we could…

Oh my god, and it never ends. I have actually been interrupted, back in the day, by answering machines saying my message was too long. Or it would just hang up on me, presumably because the recipient’s tape ran out. Now, voicemails seem to let you just babble on for years and they don’t say anything. Every once in awhile, I’ll get a nice recorded lady to come on and tell me that I’m actually speaking too softly so I have to re-record my message. That is freaking torture. Because it happens all over again. Except the second message is nothing like the first, because I am concentrating too hard on making sure that my voice is loud but not shouting, and I’m trying to think of ways to shorten the first message.

Sometimes it doesn’t even work. Sometimes the second message is even longer than the first.

So, you know, I’m kind of liking the whole text messaging thing. If someone doesn’t answer their phone, sometimes I’ll just send them a text with whatever I’m calling about. Or, I won’t leave a message of any kind. Because I’m pretty much always calling cell phones of people I know, and I just assume my number is in their contacts list. So if they get a missed call from me, they know it’s me. They don’t have to listen to my rambling message.

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