Things to look for in my next husband*

Someone who will not promise to love me forever. Because we live in a cynical world and I am a cynical girl.

Someone who will respect that maybe I don’t want to get married again. Someone who wakes up every day and chooses to be with me.

Someone who will bring me a cupcake during his lunchtime when he knows I’m having a bad day at work. Or when I’m having a good day. Or when I’m having a day.

Someone who will encourage me to go jogging. Or will go jogging with me. Without making me feel like I have to go jogging.

Someone who will not laugh or scoff when I take pictures of myself making ridiculous faces.

Someone who will take pictures of me & him making ridiculous faces.

Someone who will laugh when I make myself laugh (especially when it’s not actually all that funny), but will totally not be laughing at me because that would be mean and would make me want to stab him in the face.

Someone who is immune to being stabbed in the face.

Someone who will let me paint his toes. Bright freaking pink and purple. And will wear sandals. Without socks.

Someone who will carry Midol in his pocket at all times, but will never ever ever comment on the fact that I get supercrazybitchpsycho angry during “that time”.

Someone who will change my tampon for me after I have a stroke and have trouble doing things myself.
(I feel I must explain. My boss’ wife recently had a stroke. For some reason, I started thinking about the things she would need help with at first. Then I wondered what would happen when she gets her period. Would he help her? I don’t know, and really don’t care to know. But I would like to be with someone who would be okay doing those kind-of-sort-of uncomfortable things if I am unable. Because that’s love right there.)

Someone who will help me wake up early on weekdays so we can have breakfast together before going to work. But will let me sleep all morning on most weekends. Especially the weekends we don’t have the kiddo (because by the time I’m in a new relationship, the ex-husband will not live with me and should have joint custody).

Someone who will want to work on our relationship on a daily basis. Being in a relationship with me is hard work, so you better be ready to work at it. Whether this means relationship counseling, scheduling weekly or monthly dates, reading relationship books together, or whatever.

*Disclaimer: Inclusion in the list does not automatically mean this is something my ex-husband did or did not do. He has nothing to do with this list. This list is just things that have popped into my head lately and I think are important in my next monogamous relationship.

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