Things I Do at Work When Everyone Else is Gone

I spend a lot of my time at work by myself. That’s really how this silly blog thing started. And it’s also when a lot of these things get written. When everyone leaves – either gone for the day or off in the field because I’m the only one that really has to work in the office. But some strange things happen, every.single.time they all leave.

-Immediately realize I need to pee. When other people are in the office, I go to the bathroom constantly in preparation for when I will be alone and no one can watch the phones while I depart for the restroom. They leave, and I need to pee again. I can hold it for up to an hour and a half. After that, I abandon the phone and make a dash for it. I’m a very fast pee-er. And I haven’t missed a call yet.

-Eat chips. Lots of them. Because my gluttony seems a little bit better if nobody sees me. They just can’t understand how much I love food.

-Panic at every weird sound that drifts through the office. This is a direct result of working in a not-so-nice area of town. I am constantly envisioning all of the horrible, terrible, no-good things that are going to happen to me while I am alone in the office. Nothing has happened…yet.

-Check my email, work and personal, about 300 times an hour. Believe me, it’s entirely unnecessary. I get about 5 emails a day for work, and my personal email is just filled with offers to enlarge my penis and get me out of credit card debt.

-Reload my Facebook homepage (over and over and over and…) and wonder why my friends don’t update their statuses more often. (My guess? They have jobs that require them to work every single minute they are there. Sometimes I wish mine was like that. Other times, not so much.)

-Accept friend requests of people who went to the same high school as me. Of course, none of these people were actually my friends in high school, and after stalking their Facebook page for a while, I realize that I am not going to like them and they are definitely not going to like me, so I “unfriend” them and worry that it will hurt their feelings. I’m not even sure they notice.

-Check my email again. Just in case I change my mind and I do want information on how to melt fat away without eating right and performing some type of exercise. (Answer: No, I don’t. I am interested, but if I click on their little email then terrible little goblins with hooves will come dancing out of my computer and vomit black tar on my face while singing songs to the tune of the Macarena.)

-Go through the piles of paperwork on my desk to determine if there is anything new that I can work on. (Result: Nope.)

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